So I have developed my own indexes which I feel make as much sense as any other:
The Executive Washroom Indexes
These indexes enable investors to asses pending problems in the boardroom.
1. The toilet roll index:
Take the rate of reduction in toilet roll size and divide it by the square root of the length of the toilet brush.
Example: Day 1
Toilet brush length 35cm square root = 3.8729833
Toilet roll thickness new 8cm
Divide thickness of toilet roll by square root of toilet brush = index 2.0655911
Compare to day 30:
Day 30
New toilet roll thickness 1.3 divided by square root of brush = index 0.3356715
The drastic drop in toilet roll thickness index clearly indicates the board has had a shitty month. Time to off load this stock.
2. The inverse toilet roll index:
Day 1 indicators are the same as in index 1 giving the same index figure, 2.0656911
Compare to day 30
New toilet roll thickness 7.99999999cm giving a new index of 2.0655908
One might try to conclude that the board room is in good shape, wrong. The likelihood is that in this case the toilet seat has been left up. This clearly shows that the Chairman is pissed off with the decisions of the rest of the board.
Advice: flush the stock.
3. The zero effect toilet roll index:
The toilet roll is exactly the same size on day 30 as it was on day 1
Conclusion: The whole board has bee using the workers toilet because they have bad news to hide.
Advise: Don't touch this stock with a ten foot barge pole. Or Russian for that matter.
4. The washroom cleaning index:
This one is very straight forward and can bee assessed very quickly without a calculator.
The cleaner has just washed the floor of the executive washroom, posting a 'slippery when wet' sign outside.
The Finance Director, who always thinks he knows better than everyone else, enters despite the sign and winds up on the floor.
Financial conclusion: the Finance Director has slipped up.
Advise: sell the stock as soon as possible.
